I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
