Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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