I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
