is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Pooping to opera.
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