i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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