Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
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and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
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Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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