I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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