We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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