It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
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Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
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After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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