Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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