I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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