Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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