Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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