I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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