Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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