I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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