everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
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