3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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