tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
