you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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