So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
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