Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
