he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Be still, my beating vagina.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
i think my cat just said my name.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
