Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
