Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
