I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
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she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
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I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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