Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
