Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
