Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
