The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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