the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
