When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
