You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize