Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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