There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
