I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
