whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
