There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
