i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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