i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
