pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
