this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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