Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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