I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
