Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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