did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
