She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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