she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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