listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
