My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
