I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
