well I can't set my house on fire every night
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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