We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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