Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
