my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
