So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
