I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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