Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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