Me. At least after what I've been through.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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