why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
