I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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