I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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